everyone is single if you try hard enough
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
