Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
