i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
