I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
