so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
