When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
