Sry I called you an 8
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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