like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
