last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
