I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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