Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
