i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
