if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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