the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
