It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
being pregnant is like rehab
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
