When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
