we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She even gives head with a lisp.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
