Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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