whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
