I feel like abortions should bother me more
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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