So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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