you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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