Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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