I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
