i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
