Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
