My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
