It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize