i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
