About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
