Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
