headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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