I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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