Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
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I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
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She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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