Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
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