After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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