WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
