i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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