It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
