I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
