I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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