Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
