I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
