he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
