my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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