I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
