if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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