Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
