when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
