I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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