I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
