she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
