Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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