dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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