Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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