and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I woke up under a house in Key West
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
