this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
