she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
